My sister wants a puppy.

You would think I’d be getting this kind of thing from my 5y/o and not my grown, 21y/o sister. “I want a puppy!”, she’d say at least a dozen times this year. “I’m getting a puppy!”, she texts.

Well.

Dear Little Sister,

We HAVE a puppy!! She’s almost 13 years old and has already accepted the cat without argument. She has endured multiple, unprovoked kitty jabs to the face and tail. To add insult to injury, I went and had a baby and I KNOW she’s resentful over that! You think she attacks and tosses the baby’s Stinky Bear around by accident? She’s sending a message! and it’s one I suggest you take seriously!

The dog aside … you know our other, much bigger problem, don’t you?  Our cat, Tabitha.  You know she’s not going to tolerate such insolence and betrayal!  Heads will, literally, roll!  You’d have to sleep with one eye open — We’d ALL have to …

Listen, do what you feel is right.  But before you actually acquire a new, furry, sweet, adorable, little, defenseless puppy-dog … think:  does THIS look like someone willing to share and accept a new member into our family?

Yeah!  I didn’t think so, either …

Last month (or so) I was hired as a columnist for a lovely online magazine called Lovemionline.com. I named my column “Love in the Time of Baby Wipes” as it has to do with the “dating” aspect of being a single mom. In my relatively “off” emotional state, of late, I’ve neglected to mention this on my blog. I decided to do that today.

I’ve never really gone into the beginning of my single mom life on this blog … and this magazine gave me a great opportunity to do so.

If you’d like to follow those stories (and I certainly hope you do) please find the posts I’ve done so far, below:

• The Day I Realized … — This post chronicles the day I realized that raising one baby was enough … so I dropped the roughly 200lbs that is my child’s father and moved my ass back home …
• The Post-Partum Life — This post talks about the first year as a single mom and how thinking of finding love again was the farthest thing from my mind. It was somewhere between my old life and my new life which involved Gerber baby food and diapers …
• Love, Inc. — Love, Inc. tells of my first official foray back into the world of dating … of course, I whored it up at work … Well, doesn’t everybody? … No? … … Really??!
• Dating – Single Mom Edition This humorous story tells of the first official date! It took like a year to get ready … WHY don’t they warn of this kind of stuff in that “What to Expect …” book!
• Tainted Love This one is my latest post and discusses when “love” takes you to family court and tries to take your baby … Sounds like fun, doesn’t it …

I have added a new button to my menu (to the left there) and it links directly to Lovemionline. This will make it much easier for those that are interested in following …

My column runs every other Wednesday — this coming Wednesday is the next post and it’ll continue the family court fiasco. After writing about it a bit, I felt like I should’ve run a PSA (public service announcement) or something. You know, like when a particular episode in a sitcom deals with domestic violence or some other serious topic, directly after the program there’s the star of the sitcom … looking all serious … can be found talking about how domestic violence isn’t right and the such and then there’s a hotline number that flashes on screen. Oops! Tangent!

Anyway, so please check it out! Let me know what y’all think …

Happy New Year!

It’s been FOREVER since my last blog post.  I’ve had some serious problems that demanded all my attention.  I hope to slowly get back into the groove of things.

As most know, I was laid off in October.  That was the first of 3 devastating incidents.  The other two (briefly, as I’m not really ready to talk about yet):  my Dad is very ill and my ex has taken me back to family court (once again, for nonsense) …

I’ve been depressed! something serious!  Just like the commercials say: I can’t fall asleep at a decent hour … I can’t concentrate … I don’t want to do anything fun … I’m tired all the time … I just want to sleep when I can and do nothing … or watch Judge Judy, which is a really peculiar side effect to the whole depression thing …

2009 seemed to be a really shitty year for everybody … and I’m trying to stay positive and hope that 2010 will be the complete opposite.

I still really wasn’t ready to write a post, but then something amazing happened.  My Mac woke up!  Let me explain:

A couple months ago my very “wonderful” dog, accidentally, peed on my Mac.  I can’t effectively convey to you all how the color drained from my face and how everything around me moved in slow motion at that moment.  Panicked, I tried drying it as much as possible … did the whole “blow dryer” thing … tried “mouth to fan” resuscitation, but nothing worked.  It wasn’t waking up.

I spoke to a friend of mine who gave me a great suggestion (God bless his soul) and I put it away … in its little leather case w/ some silica gel packs (which I took from any and all shoe boxes I found in my closet) …

After about 2 weeks, my friend and I are talking and he asks about my Mac.  I had forgotten about it (defense mechanism, I think).  So I take it out and viola! it turned on!!  I was so excited!  In tears, almost! … until it suddenly shuts off …

There goes that feeling again …

Sadly, I tuck it away again … for what turns out to be another month or so …

Last night, I tried once again to turn it on and at first — nothing.  But, just when I’d given up all hope … I tried. one. more. time …

This time! It turned on … and stayed on … I was able to update my phone … able to get on Facebook and post the first status from this computer in months!  I was over the moon!  Over the stars, even!  My excitement couldn’t be contained.

After about an hour, I shut it down for the night.

Earlier this evening when I tried it again, it turned on again after a couple tries.  And although it stayed on for a while, it did abruptly turn off again … BUT … it turned back on again and I’m using it right this minute.  It seems to have developed a case of Narcolepsy – it’ll abruptly and without warning go to sleep every so often – but it’s ok.  Cause everyone/everything deserves a recovery period LOL …

I realize the above story about my Narcoleptic Mac may seem amusing – hysterical, even – but that single incident has sparked a renewed energy in me and I found a bit of a lesson there …

The lesson:  when life pisses on you, it’s ok to take a nap for a while … to not be yourself, but one day … by the grace and hand of people that really love you … you’ll turn back on and the world will be right again”

One of my worst nightmares – besides a ‘black/brown” color scheme – is something terrible while I’m alone w/ the baby.  Often I find myself doing strange things like unplugging everything in the house before going to bed or leaving some extra catnip by the front door just to make sure the cat continues to keep guard throughout the night (she got some ridiculous idea from the dog that her shift ends before dark).

Today an awkward  encounter with a strange man made me think of it all again:  If something ever happened to me while the Baby and I were alone (which is the case 90% of the time) would he know what to do? Would he know who to call if – say – Mommy were distraught because she couldn’t get that stain out of her Coach bag and was now unresponsive … The View was preempted for some senseless holiday parade of enormous balloons causing uncontrollable crying … felt sick … slipped while trying on my beautiful 3″ heels … or slipped in the kitchen while making yet another donut run and fell unconscious.  What about if someone broke in or something!  Tried to hurt us!  I mean, I can always try to nag the intruder and make him aware of his short-comings like I usually do to men, but what if … he broke into my place during an unguarded moment like when I’m watching Dancing with the Stars!

I remember showing him how to call people on my “Favorite Contacts” phone list, but I thought that maybe I need to show him how to dial for the cops or ambulance.

So!

I call him over …

Me: Hey Baby, I want to talk to you …

Baby: (silence. stares at 100th Powerpuff episode of the day)

Me: Baby! Listen to me! I have to tell you something!

Baby: what …

Me: Weeell … do you know what to do if Mommy is ever sick or “sleeping” but not able to wake up?  What are you going to do?

Baby: (thinks for a second) Watch tv?

Me:  !!   (to self) Fuck! I’m screwed …

My Dearest Baby Sister,

When ModCloth.com asked who I am most thankful for as part of their Thanksgiving Thank-a-Thon Blog Contest — my first instinct was to write about our mother. It’s probably most people’s first instinct … I decided, instead, to write about someone else just as valuable but who’s efforts and help almost always go unrecognized. I decided to write about you.

Twenty-one years ago when you crashed my birthday party, I will admit I was a bit upset. At 10 y/o I couldn’t think of a good enough reason why Mom and Dad had to keep you. I am so relieved that they ignored my requests to return and exchange you for the Baby Alive doll … You have become the ultimate assistant; the ultimate confidant; the ultimate play-date; the ultimate personal shopper; the ultimate friend and more than the ultimate aunt to my baby.

Five years ago when I had Aidyn, you came through like no other high-schooler would’ve even cared to do. Today, you are as much a parent to him as I am — if not more since you have a penchant for remembering stuff like packing extra clothes and Teddy Grahams …

Because of you I’ve never truly felt the obstacles that come along with being a single mother. You’ve sacrificed whole weekends and time with your friends so I could have some of that “me” time I enjoy so much. You’ve skipped school to take care of me and the baby when we both came down with the flu. Countless times, you’ve picked Aidyn up from school, fed and bathe him so I wouldn’t come home to a sticky, cranky baby.

In addition to the above,  you always purchase the perfect pair of shoes and I’m thankful that we have the same fashion sense and that we’re the same, perfect, size 7! 

Your love, dedication, loyalty and overall awesomeness knows no bounds. I’ve decided not to marry but instead to keep you with me forever … LOL … Not really, however, I will admit to having seriously considered it for a tiny moment.

I don’t care what the baby says, we love you tremendously! We’d be a hot mess w/o you!

Forever and always your loving big sister,

Does anybody else’s pets throw tantrums? Mine do. In fact, I think my being laid off and being at home is beginning to really annoy them.

Last week, I arrived back at home after dropping the baby off at school.  The way the dog looked at me — she did a double take!  She had a look on her face as if to say – “Really?!  Aren’t you NOT supposed to be here at this time?” … Then she rolled her eyes!  That wasn’t an accident!  I saw it.  And, Tab – my cat — she walks past me and “meow’s” as she stares me down.  This is usually followed by a deliberate scratching of the new sofa.  I know it’s deliberate! Because she stares me down as she shreds my pretty new couch away!  And she “meow’s” … low.  and long.  I know when I’m being cursed out!

Then, a couple days later — I come back from the local CVS, bearing bribes gifts for Cook.  I got her one of those “I’m-going-to-shit-for-days” rawhide bones with a few of those “I-will-peel-the-paint-off-the-walls-with-my-poison-noxious-gas” doggy treats.  She seemed really excited at first.  But then, after a few hours … she picked it up … and FLUNG it behind her.  She continued doing this.  Just picking it up and throwing it.  She was throwing a full out tantrum.  My futile, frustrated cries to “stop it”, ignored.  The cat looked on.  With a smug look on her face.

To top it off, this morning … when I arrived back from my new routine of dropping baby off at school … the dog and the cat were in the living-room.  They both looked up at me.  Then at each other, briefly.  I felt like I was walking into enemy territory.  Like the new girl in a new school … walking into the cafeteria and spying the popular kids talking about you and make “gestures” and telling, not so subtle,  facial expressions … …

Bitches!!!

I can just hear them now …

Dog:  Dude, wtf! Isn’t she supposed to be gone … she doesn’t usually get here until it’s dark outside.  And then she always comes back with that really annoying, loud small one.

Cat:  Dude, I don’t know … she’s been just showing up here all of a sudden … I can’t even scratch the f-ing couch, Dude!

Dog: Dude, all she does is sit there … on the computer (my dog’s a Border Collie so she’s intelligent enough to know what a “computer” is) … Eating all sorts of food and stuff … And she doesn’t even share!  It’s cool!  I’ve been eating away at those bones she bought me … and BOY do I have something coming for her …

Cat:  Dude, I know! What’s up with that … It’s sad … … She’s annoying!  … … … Man! I need a NAP! It’s been 5 whole minutes since the my last one …

Dog:  Dude, yeah, it blows ass chunks!!   What a LOO.SER!!   … … … You gonna eat all that kibble?

• your 5y/o starts to hide his Teddy Grahams from you …

• you start to wonder if things like spit and phlegm have calories …

• … you decide they do and refuse to swallow all day …

• you’ve convince yourself that chocolate chip cookie’s are part of the major food groups …

• you walk into the subway and think you see a sign that says ‘fewer carbs’ when it actually says ‘fewer CARS’ …

• you step into a meeting for Recovering anorexics/bulimics believing it’s a new chapter of the ‘fast trak’ system of Weight Watchers …

• you decide gum and water is a great diet …

• you think 77lbs is a perfect weight …

• you have to contact the makers of Barbie’s clothes to construct ur wardrobe …

• breakfast is usually you fighting the birds at Central Park for their free pieces of discarded bread …

Deluxe cat bed complete with hanging play toy …. $60

Luxury “Park Avenue Kitty” cat Condo w/ built-in Sisal Scratching Rope … $200

High-end “Saving Private Kitty” cat gym … $300

State of the art heated therapeutic kitty pillow … $50

2 bags of super potent “Kitty Go Nite Nite” and “Kitty Vegas Nites” cat nip … $20 (from kitty “cat nip” dealer on the corner)

The cat preferring to sleep her day away on top of the FREE DVR and DVD player … Annoying! but, never-the-less,   … Priceless …

Unemployed Log – Day 1

6:45 am:   Awakened by fearless and rude mosquito buzzing and biting my face.  Noticed numerous welts on baby’s face and arm.    Enraged, I located guilty insect and annihilated it! with the nearest object within reach — Stinky Bear’s cousin — Not So Fresh Frank …

7:00 – 7:15 am:  Remained awake — unable to fall asleep after my victory — due to unnatural fear of defeated mosquito’s friends’ possible retaliatory efforts …

10:30 am:   Arrive back home after dropping baby off at school.  I create “Unemployment Survival Kit” which consists of 13oz jar of Nutella, entire loaf of whole wheat bread, family size pack of Oreo cookies, remote control and juice.

10:45 am:   Cursed my former employers and wished them an awful first day without me …

10:50 am:   Freaked out over possible “bad karma” backlash and retracted previous curse on my former employers.  Followed with some serious “karma damage control” by wishing them well …

3:30 pm:   Watched all my TiVo’d shows, as well as some of the baby’s …

3:35 pm:   Having depleted most of the “Unemployed Survival Kit”, decided to clean living-room …

3:36 pm:   Overwhelmed by large size of the livingroom and even larger size of livingroom mess, decided to replenish “Unemployed Survival Kit”’s resources, instead …

4 pm:   Entertained myself by eating yet another Nutella sandwich w/ a side of Oreo’s while, simultaneously, counting various dog hair tumbleweeds, Cookie shed throughout the day …

4:16 pm:   Finished sandwich … followed by biting off what’s left of fingernails … and surrounding skin …

4:30 pm:  Baby’s home!   Time for the Powerpuff Girl’s marathon …

The recession has reached … Gotham City!

Batman, together with, Batman have started a construction company called “Batman & Batman Build This City!” …

Other toys affected by the recession have had take on second jobs …

Luxury Spa Resort poolside table by day …

Crime fighting/crime creating BAD ASS Bakugan by night …