This evening, my little boy had something to do with making someone’s night very… serendipitous … in every sense of the word.

I left work at roughly 6:20pm this evening and ventured toward Park Avenue to collect my boy from his father …

I work on the West side — making the undesirable shlep to Park Av an f-ing nightmare … on a good day!

I f-ing hate the 6 train …

Anyway, so there I am taking the E to the 6 and finally waiting for my little itty bitty on the platform while his poppa brings him down to me.

Once I have him, we wait SIX minutes!!

Do you know what SIX minutes does to a New Yorker? … … …

It makes … our skin boil!

Do you know what SIX minutes during rush hour does to a New Yorker?

Renders us damn near homicidal!!

None of that really has anything to do with the story — but it’s just, FYI, you know …

So, the  train arrives.

There are a million people –CRAMMED– inside … as if the Mayor just issued an evac order or something.

My kid takes one look at this mess and starts to, furiously, back up: “NO, NO!!  I DON’T WANT TO GO IN THERE IT’S TOO CROWDED!!”

I’m equal parts shocked at his unusual behavior and frustrated because I REALLY wanted to get home to watch last nights episode of “Revenge” …

BUT … I’ve seen enough horror movies with kids in it to know that when a child freaks the f*ck out … … you pay attention!!

So!

I tell him: “Let’s just get a cab then …”

He responds: “Good idea …”

Now we’re on Park Avenue looking for a cab … in the middle of rush hour …

Do you know what it’s like for a New Yorker to look out to a sea of yellow cabs — and not one of them is available??  Not ONE???!!  …

Except that one across the way … that just let someone out … and is about to pull away!

I motion for the child to run alongside me!

I tap on the trunk of the moving cab!

HALLELUJAH! he stops!

My boy gets in as I’m apologizing for my brash move and exhaling at the same time (not an easy task, I might add!) …

Then …

My kid says: “Mommy! Someone left their iPad behind!!”

There are few phrases that a person will hear in their lifetime … as beautiful as that one …

I grab the iPad.

I lift the black, smart cover and go to slide the “unlock” bar thinking the whole time: Could I be so lucky that it doesn’t have a password?

YES! … no passwords!  no obstructions!  nothing to keep me from this wonderful iDevice!

Except …

My conscience …

And my kid!  Who, upon witnessing me look through various apps on the iPad, tells me to “stop looking through their stuff, it’s not nice …”

This coming from the kid that just moments after discovering that someone left their iPad behind, wondered aloud if it had “any games on it” …

But, alas, my son’s admonishment was undeserved as the reason I was looking through the iPad was to try and find the iPad owner’s contact info.

So what if I went via the ‘Photos” app!

I found an email.

I sent an email.

I found a phone number.

I called a phone number.

I got an extremely relieved, happy and moved young lady on the other end.   A person who felt tremendously lucky to have had her iPad found by such a wonderful, honest person …

Her words … not mine

Ok … maybe I paraphrased a bit here …

After profusely thanking me … she asked if she could pick it up from me later this evening …

Wait! So … it’s not enough I found and am returning your iPad, I gotta babysit it for you now?

(*sigh*) “No problem!”

One more “Omigod thank you so much” …

Followed by one more “You’re very welcome” …

And, just like that my son and I found ourselves hosting a foreign iPad for the night …

When the owner is finally reunited with her iPad – she instantly hugs it to her chest and she says things like “this is so important to me”, “I was FREAKING out …”, “I’m so moved …” and “thank you, again, so much” …

I had this overwhelming feeling of happiness wash over me: for her … for having done such a nice thing for someone, in a city where such kindness isn’t aways found … and for setting such an important example for my little boy!

When the owner mentioned something about how she could ever repay me, I waved my hand at her and shook my head … there is no need to repay me for something that came naturally to me.  I told her that I knew the feeling of losing one of these expensive devices (my iPhone was stolen right out of my hand last year) and I would never knowingly have someone ever go through that horrible feeling of having lost such a costly item and having all your important info floating around out there in the hands of someone that holds the same value as human excrement!

The karma points were enough repayment … I figured, if Karma had a rewards catalog, I’d qualify for the digital camera AND the 7 day Caribbean cruise for two!!

So!

We exchanged a few more niceties … we said ‘good night’ … she disappeared back into the cab in which she came … while Aidyn and I disappeared back into our building lobby and back upstairs …

… where I proceeded to ‘Google’ the owner …

And find out she’s … loaded!

Drat!

My Dearest, Baby Boy:

Seven whole years have passed since Dr. Martas sliced Mommy open with a scalpel … and yanked you out.

At this time, 7 years ago, I was laying up in a hospital bed, numb from the waste down and waiting for the next steps …

It was a happy and exciting day for many reasons:

For starters! You were being delivered that day!  Six weeks earlier than your due date.

Good thing, too, because Mommy just hated being pregnant … Don’t get me wrong – it was such an easy pregnancy.  No morning sickness … no weird cravings or things hanging from Mommy’s orifices ….

But, there just isn’t anything altogether ‘fun’ about being pregnant …

Secondly, you were coming by c-section and Mommy didn’t have to do a thing but sign a waiver, lie back and relax …

None of this ‘pushing‘ or ‘hard laboring‘ stuff …  You were such an easy and considerate baby right from the beginning!

You were and will forever remain, the cutest baby boy I have EVER laid eyes on …

You should know … that …

No matter how big you grow … Mommy will forever see you as that little 5lb chunk of heaven …

No matter how deep your voice gets … Mommy will only ever hear the tiny, baby voice you speak with now …

No matter how pronounced your speech becomes … Mommy will still hear ‘VENG-tah-bulls” when you’re trying to say ‘vegetables’ …

No matter how much you age … Mommy will not be able to see you older than your 7th year …

No matter how heavy you get … Mommy will risk a serious spinal injury to carry you, if only for just a few seconds …

And, even though I know it won’t happen, Mommy will continue to beg the Universe to keep you little … just a tiny bit longer …

Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!

Forever,

The Loving Mommy

I’ve been chasing sleep for hours! …

What the fuck is so interesting about staying awake past midnight, anyway?

Milk won’t help … it’ll just give me a tummy ache.

I’m 33 y/o … why am I still saying tummy –

Wait!

… something just caught my eye …

… a shadowy figure …

… the phantom figure JUST disappeared into the dark hallway that leads to the bedrooms …

*OMG* … I hear shuffling footsteps!

They’re heading for the bathroom …

I investigate!

“Mom?” ( I call out at the beginning of the hallway)

“Yeah?” (I hear her respond … from the KITCHEN!! … ALL the way in the OTHER direction … at the OPPOSITE end of my apartment.)

I continue toward the bathroom …

I see …

AIDYN??!!

He’s standing at the toilet … seat up (how cute, he remembered to lift the seat) … baby pee-pee in hand … aaannd

Nothing!

He’s just standing there … ready to pee … but

He does nothing …

Weird

I watch as he flushes (the invisible urine) … lowers the seat … and walks — no, ‘shuffles‘ — past me and back toward the bedroom.

… … … …

WHY! are kids so f-ing creepy!

Now I’m spooked!

Now I definitely can’t go to bed …

I’ll watch another movie …

Let’s see what’s on my Netflix queue …

I know!

I’ll look for movies that have to do with dreaming or sleeping …

Let’s see …

The Science of Sleep: hmmmm … a movie about someone who daydreams so much it disrupts his ‘wake world’: I’ll pass …

Ink: a movie about a nightmare inducing ‘incubus’ who steals the soul of an 8y/o to try and get into the ‘incubi’ club: No!  Thank you! … wtf, why do I have this on my queue anyway! omigodImSOweird!

Sleeping with the Enemy: a movie about a woman that needs to sleep with one eye open lest her husband beat the shit out of her: NOPE! Not tonight!

What Dreams May Come: hmmmm … a beautiful, visually stimulating movie about the afterlife: NEXT! Way too depressing …!

Akira Kurosawa’s “Dreams”: a Japanese movie?  About … OH, I don’t fucking know what the fuck it’s about … NEXT

Insomnia: Al. Pacino.  Hmmm … NO …

Sleepers: An ‘eye candy’ ensemble cast that includes such heartthrobs as Jason Patric and Brad Pitt … but it’s about little boys that were molested as youth in a ‘juvenile detention for boys’ …

and finally …

Coraline: Probably among my top 5 favorite movies … evah!  But, will a movie about a little girl who, after falling asleep, enters a visually orgasmic, dreamy, parallel world that includes an “Other Mother” who has buttons for eyes and wants to replace the eyes of the 8y/o cartoon girl w/ similar buttons …by sewing them on … REALLY help me get to sleep?

Prooobably  not.

Fuck it, I’ll try the milk …

On occasion, I like to ‘interview’ my little boy and ask him questions just to see what his thoughts are on a random topic.    A lot of the time, I’m just tired of listening to all the ‘experts’ opinions on these random topics and I’m trying to find a more ‘zen’ opinion.   I find the simplicity and honesty of his answers so very refreshing … and, of course, I find them hysterical!

Aidyn’s Thoughts on … Pink Polish-Gate

Several months ago there was a ‘big controversy’ (sarcastically speaking) involving J.Crew’s president, Jenna Lyons painting her son’s nails pink in a J.Crew ad campaign/catalog. I think it’s ridiculous that anybody made a big deal out of this very tender and sweet moment between a playful parent and her little boy.  The people against this ad say it’s an inappropriate example for children, etc.  Since kids are, supposedly, the affected party, I wondered if my little boy thought this was a huge mistake like everyone at Fox News. So I asked him:

Me: So … um … Aidyn?

Aidyn: (playing w/ some items on the table) Yeah …?

Me: (small voice/almost a whisper) wannapaintyournailswithMommy?

Aidyn: (immediately stops playing w/ items on the table and looks up at me with a “wtf” look on his face) … What?! I can’t do that!

Me: (regretting the question; quickly trying to change the subject.  Just as I’m wallowing in disappointment over his response … Aidyn finishes his sentence … )

Aidyn:  (lifts his hand, showing me his ring finger) … I have a cut on my finger! The band-aid is over my nail!

Aidyn’s Thoughts on … Homosexuality

Now, before you think I blatantly asked my son if he thought it was ok for same sex couples (or triples …) to have sex … I didn’t!  Like most important conversations, I decided on taking to a book to ask for me!    When I first heard about the book, “And Tango Makes Three”, I was vegging out on my couch at 11am, some day, during the work week, watching The View.  Whoopie was explaining how the book – About gay penguins that live in the Central Park Zoo who were given an orphaned egg. They hatched the egg and out came Tango — their baby penguin. They live as a family at the zoo. — was banned in Virgina (can’t remember if it was banned in the entire state or just at one location/book store/library, etc). Anyway, so I thought this was horrible! Why would a book like this be banned. Of course, it was a clear case of homophobia.  The reason for the banning: it’s inappropriate for children.  I refuse to have a child with even an ounce! of bigotry or prejudice. I strive to teach him to be open-minded and respectful of all people (except republicans, tea-partiers and priests …).  I, quickly, purchased the book for my little boy and nabbed a copy for my twin nieces, as well.

I read the book to Aidyn. I explained how the two boy penguins wanted to have a baby but couldn’t. I explained how lucky they were to be given an egg of their very own to hatch and how much they loved the baby penguin named Tango. I asked him what he thought about these two boy penguins raising this baby penguin …

Me: So … um … what do you think about Tango and his two daddy’s, Roy and Silo. Isn’t it so cute that they got their baby to raise??

Aidyn: (silence … fidgets w/ a toy)

Me: (shit! I’ve made him so uncomfortable he can’t deal with the content)  You know … it doesn’t matter who cares for babies as long as they’re loved and taken good care of …

Aidyn: (just continues playing w/ toy)

Me: Um … so … what do you think?  of the story?  I’m so happy Tango got some great parents.  Roy and Silo are great daddies, aren’t they –

Aidyn: (cutting me off and squinting his eyes as if pondering something …) … you know something … … … I have boy in my class named Roy?

So!  you see, Fox News/Republicans/wrong people!  You have no idea what you speak of!  Kid’s don’t give a shit about what you deem ‘inappropriate‘ … and even though sometimes kids’ say ‘the darndest’ things and they ramble on about nonsense, they still have the ability to teach us ‘adults‘ something about respect, friendship, overall humanity and what’s really important!  And according to my little boy on this particular day:  it’s not shocking that two males want to have and raise a baby … And it’s perfectly  fine to be a boy and paint your nails with your mother, so long as you don’t have a band-aid covering your finger!

I sit here.

With random thoughts.

About how to get to sleep.

Not any of them really good ones.

I can go downstairs. Go for a run?

But then I remember that I’m as lazy as I am an insomniac.

I can go on Twitter and Facebook. Work on being even more of a social media freak.

But then I can’t really think of stuff to say. Other than “hello to my sleeping friends, I have d/l some apps to the iPad …”

I refresh the screen.

I go to share some articles … But then quickly become anxious because I think someone’s gonna yell at me telling me to “GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP! … YOU’RE CRAZY” … like Bethenny yelled at Kelly in that episode of RHNYC.

So.

I write a blog post.

I get up.

Fiddle with my hair.

Lie down in bed.

And …

Nothing, I’m still awake.

Which is weird cause every morning I’m SO tired I swear to the pillow gods that I’m going STRAIGHT to sleep when I get home.

I repeat this promise throughout the day.

I even share it with my colleagues: “Dude! I can’t WAIT to get home! That nap’s gonna be EPIC!”

I get home.

I get caught up.

… …

… …

God I really hate it when the birds are up and chirping their ‘morning songs’!

“Shut the fuck up!, Birds, I’m trying to fall asleep. How can I do that if you keep chirping? Besides … That ‘morning song’ was SOOO 2008 …”

Making it to the bedroom and into bed isn’t even the hardest part.

It’s trying to fall asleep while these bird’s chirp their morning song as if they were auditioning for the next Disney/Pixar movie …

… or trying not to suffocate off my dogs napalm quality gas …

… or trying to calm my nerves after my kid scares the shit outta me by talking in his sleep.

Today …

ME: (very excitedly) How was summer camp, Sweet Pea!!
BABY: It was good …
ME: Didn’t you get to play soccer today??!!
BABY: Oh… yeah!
ME: How was it? Didn’t you go somewhere outside of the school?
BABY: Yeah …
ME: Oh yay!! Where??
BABY: … I think it was Africa. … (thinks about it a minute) Yeah! Africa!
ME: (laughing silently w/ my Mom)

… no … not really …

However, saying it out loud is the first step, right?

Before anyone sends me a life-sized Statue of Liberty doll with a note attached that says “NOOO! Don’t go!”, I’m not physically leaving the city … just yet.

BUT …

Recently, my mind has wandered out of it after hearing a few friends muse about leaving this city.

… Having had enough of the Big Apple … and all it’s ‘personality’ …

Seeking a more comfortable, easier life in a seemingly more comfortable, easier location …

One friend in particular,(Sujeiry, dreams of the warm, sunny beaches of Miami — actually — I’ve had 2 friends mention Miami — and ever since she has started talking about it, I’ve felt a nagging, little area of myself start itching away in the same direction.

Another friend of mine made the move to Miami a couple of years ago and seems happy there …

Yet another friend made the move to North Carolina! And after reading this article about the migration of black NewYorkers making the move out of NYC to the South – I gotta admit, a seven room house in Atlanta, Georgia for $150,000 does NOT suck!!

I absolutely love NYC — but lately have been completely frustrated by it’s grandiosity. It seems you’re nobody until somebody pays you $500,000/yr — and that’s just entry level.

I was always that person that said she’d NEVER move out of the city. I’d maintain that I wouldn’t even move to any suburb of NYC, believing in being a complete city chick my entire life!

Well …

I kinda like the suburbs …

and the backyards …

and that weird guy that mows his lawn in his Hanes tank top …

and the space …

The space!  I could get more shoes! and bags!  and a room for each!

My reasons are purely selfish.

Parenting in the city is much more preferable to me … I’m just thinking I’ll enjoy my ‘me-time’ a little more at a location where my money goes farther and surroundings are a little less ‘city cab’-ish.

I wish I hadn’t watched all those scary flippin’ movies as a kid, however … and even now! Most of the movies that make me lose my shit happens outside of NYC and in a house — a big one! — where all the ghost and shit like to hide.

To this day, I will not go up to my boyfriend’s attic alone. I shudder even when I look at the attic door up on the ceiling!

With it’s ‘pull down’ string taunting me as I pass …

Drat!

I may have ruined it for myself … I may be too afraid to leave the city.

Wtf do I do now?!? … … and wtf does he keep up there …

TANGENT! sorry …

I’ve also made a good career at being snobbish — the only way NYer’s can be — and feeling like I’m better than my suburban counterparts.  Passive aggressively throwing things in their faces, like, having your nearest neighbors so far away, they have their own zip codes or laughing to the point of crying when they hadn’t heard of “Pinkberry” or no longer had one within a couple short blocks, like I currently do; or boasting that even Mother Nature loves NYC — we don’t really do the whole ‘natural disaster’/'extremely inclement weather’ thing …  We don’t go to sleep on a clear Sunday evening only to wake up in another county w/ all our shit all over the place!

So!

Maybe one day I’ll write a post from my new beach house in Miami … or from the beach down the block from my house in Malibu … or from my new duplex condo in Chicago … or from the original Starbucks in Seattle.

Maybe, my little boy will win MVP in his Hicksville County Little League .. or my boyfriend will become Vegas PD and meet me for dinner and drinks after his shift at the Bellagio …

Maybe my puppy dog will herd some sheep, as she’s so inclined, when we visit our neighbors from our house in Maine … (assuming there are sheep in Maine)

Or!

Dare I say au revoir to America and write my next blog post in French! from a doctor’s waiting room as I enjoy free healthcare while getting a check-up … or from my vineyard in Italy?

Maybe I’m just bored and need a vacation …

Who knows what will happen …

But, I do feel a change ‘a comin’ …

Through the looking glass …
I saw a baby boy …
I brought him home with me one day …
And filled the house with joy …

* The Loving Mommy *

I love this song.

Because the chorus — it always makes me think of you.

** I can hold you in my arms … I can hold you forever **

If you think I’m being intense …

You haven’t even begun to tap into how vivid my feelings are for you.

If you think I’m being silly …

It’s because you’ve yet to reach this level of maturity.

If you think I can’t hold on forever …

It’s because you don’t know my true strength.

If you think I’d ever let you go …

You’d be sorely mistaken.

If you thought that last one was a bit creepy …

You may be right. =)

Always,

The Loving Mommy

So!

As most know, I’m always trying to warn my boy about the dangers in the world.

I tell him countless times, don’t talk to strangers! … Not even in your head!

I remind him never to take candy from strangers … or priests …

Never to trust people that make you feel funny or uneasy …

I go on and on, ad nauseum, about telling a trusted adult if he’s bullied …

and … never! NEVER … vote Republican!

So, it was with a cautious mommy heart, that I chose one evening to once again, warn my child against the perils in the world.

I chose to do this by reading him a bedtime story:  The Spider and Fly.

For those that don’t know this story, it’s about a spider that tries to get a fly to enter his home.

Obviously, he wants to do her harm, eat her, etc. and does everything he can to get her to enter.  At first the fly is resistant to his attempts …

… but once the spider starts to flatter the fly, he eventually  lures her in.  And, of course, she meets her demise.

So, after the story, I decide to talk to Aidyn about bad people and those that will do anything to lure in innocent folk, just to hurt them.

ME: So, Aidyn, you see how the spider said all these nice things and convinced the fly to come into his house?
BABY: Yeah …
ME: So, you know how you can’t talk to strangers …
BABY: (cuts me off, as he often does) I KNOW! You always tell me don’t talk to strangers, Mommy, why do you always tell me!
ME: (counting to ten as per instructions in my ‘anger management’ book) I know I keep telling you, SWEET PEA … I just want you to be safe. So! Listen to me! Strangers will always be real nice to you and try to say nice, friendly things to you to try and make you think they’re your friend and won’t hurt you. So, you have to make sure that if they come up to you — you run the other way! To a police officer or a teacher or something. Right?
BABY: (fidgeting with his finger nails) *mmm hmm*
ME: so, what will you do if a stranger comes up to you and is nice to you and asks you to go with them?
BABY: (silence)
ME: (mentally sending to Hell, the authors of those “anger mgmt” books) AIDYN!? WHAT WOULD YOU DO!?? MOMMY LOVES YOU, SWEET PEA, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU HURT!
BABY: (not phased by my frustration) I don’t speak to them and go to a teacher.
ME: Good! And they might offer you candy … or … or … toys –
BABY: (cuts me off) OH! I’ll fall for that!  … I’ll fall for that! … … … (nodding his head up and down) Because I LOVE toys!
ME: ** completely speechless **

 

*sigh*
On to ‘plan B’:
… putting a low jack on the boy …