Diary of a NYC Juror …

I’m done doing my civic duty for the time being … I’ve got the next 6 years to think of perfect, indisputable excuses  in order to get out of it the next time around.  Now I can share in other NY’ers unpleasant jury duty stories …

I compiled a list of some things I’ve observed while being a good citizen that I decided to share.  Feel free to take notes:

1) The first thing I noticed is the following irony: there is a sign that says ‘No Eating Or Drinking In This Room’  … right next to three vending machines that feature chips, candy bars and various beverages …

2) I noticed that not everybody uses Dial or even is under the belief that one should shower daily and otherwise practice good hygiene … This is especially disturbing if that particularly ripe someone is sitting right next to you repeatedly asking to borrow your pen …

3) Peculiarly, I found myself way too enthralled in the juror video leading me to wonder if it had some kind of subliminal undertone that was keeping me entranced.  I looked at my fellow juror’s and some were actually drooling … foaming at the mouth even.  It’s like one of those brain washing video’s the Republican’s make the detainees at Guantanamo Bay watch or something …

4) The movie was also so dramatic that it seemed like an Oliver Stone/Spielberg production … I half expected Tom Hanks to pop out and do some kind of monologue on the justice system …

5) Bring a phone charger/laptop!! Can’t stress this enough! The iPhone is great for many things, however, battery life is not among them …

6) The “Juror Computer Room” … doesn’t have working computers …

7) I found that in times of frustration and high boredom, jurors were all too eager to divulge their inner secrets to get out of serving.  I felt like I was interrupting a psycho-therapy session at times.  In under 10 minutes I found out that some of my fellow jurors were sexually assaulted — one guy as a child by a repeat offender … a woman by someone she knew – that same woman later stands up and says she was also arrested for under-age drinking (she went to an out-of-state “party” college it would later be known) … Lastly, one juror spent 3 minutes of the courts time listing all he was arrested for … HE was sitting next to me and I felt quite uncomfortable when he was done … Sometimes I wonder what I did in another life to attract such “eccentric” personalities …  When those that had been excused were sent back to the Juror room, all that verbal diarrhea had made for quite the uncomfortable situation … you know everyone was thinking about it too cause nobody sat next to each other lol …

8 ) Date a cop! … It will undoubtedly get you out of most jury duty cases as it did for me.  When I was chosen as part of a panel, the man on trial was NYPD — I shot right up “I can’t! I’m dating a cop! He’s GUILTY!! GUILTY, I TELL YA, GUILTY!!” — well — I said that to myself — to the judge I simply said, “Uh … Judge, I’m dating a cop and yes I think this will affect me in this case”.  When that doesn’t work , ask yourself, “What would Macguyver do?” …  He’d refer to his jury duty kit — which brings me to #8 …

9) Prepare a simple ‘jury duty’ kit: nail file, banana, oreos, water and … Alka Seltzer – in case you have to start foaming at the mouth for any reason – such as, you’re NOT dating a cop …

10) It helps to pray to more than one deity.  It’s like being at the DMV — your problem will be solved depending on who’s window you land upon … you may not get your favorite person that day, but may find someone nice to help … I was 1/2 way through saying a prayer to the goddess’ of the Wiccan religion, when the jury guy says we were all dismissed and it was only just noon!

… I think I’ll try #10 at the lottery stores too …