… those were the basic instructions on the Sally Hansen at home Brazilian bikini wax box …
Those of you that have been following me (Hi Mom, Hi Mill) know that I’ve been dating a wonderful man for the past year … and, well, I watch The View! so I’m familiar with the female maintenance practices common these days …
DISCLAIMER: the following may — and probably will — make you all gag!! Be advised the following is appropriately categorized under “W-TMI” (Way – Too Much Info) … Consider yourselves warned …
This past weekend, I’m cruising the aisles of CVS when I come across Sally Hansen’s “Extra Strength Brazilian Bikini Waxing & Shaping Kit” and had that rare moment in life where these occurrences make you wonder if you should inflict this kind of torture onto yourself.
I thought to myself, “Self! If you read about someone’s ‘hoo ha’ being slathered w/ hot wax then all puub’s being ripped off w/ a tiny -but sturdy- cloth — wouldn’t that make you cringe and say a prayer for that poor victim? Wouldn’t that be akin to female circumcision?” Then I thought, “But it can’t be that bad if it’s being sold over the counter! and not enclosed behind one of those plastic walls w/ alarms that I’ve been seeing in pharmacy’s all over these day…” So, I grabbed the box … walked up to the counter w/ a determined strut … threw the nearly $12 at the, probably bewildered, CVS cashier’s clerk … and made my way back home …
I was staying at my boyfriend’s place this past weekend and knew I had at least 4 hours before he was home from work so I opened my Sally Hansen purchase. Removed all the contents and placed them neatly on the bed. I read the instructions like Sr. Edith (my High School English teacher) was going to pop quiz us on it … and prepared myself for the slaughter the next steps.
Microwave … used re-usable, sturdy wooden stick to slather some of that bad ass onto your “nether regions” … hold your skin taut and remove quickly and firmly in one fell swoop! This special formula doesn’t even require a cloth to rip remove the wax with … so I’m thinking, “This is easy … I can sooo do this!”
Well … my attempt prompted the following open letter:
Dear Ms. Sally Hansen,
If I could but make a few suggestions regarding your at home Brazilian Bikini Wax kit. Perhaps you’ll consider including some of the following … in the box:
- a bottle of the strongest, top shelf, foreign hard liquor legal in the United States … it should probably have a dead animal or bug floating around inside of it …
- an “on call” nurse practioner, doctor and/or psychologist …
- a “feel good” baggie that includes Percocet, Vicodin and Xanax …
- a friendly, non-judgemental, stranger that will rip this thing off in the event your consumer loses the courage that enabled her to buy the product in the first place …
- a prescription grade, emergency solvent that will release “the death grip” of the “extra strength” wax …
- a panic button … that will send all of the above in under 20 seconds
- a new set of instructions that doesn’t say “slather onto your bikini area” two paragraphs before it warns to “keep away from genital area” …
- Pack of tissue for the crying … and bleeding …
Needless-to-say, this little “activity” didn’t go so well for me … and only proves I’m obviously still experiencing some post-partum depression …
Why else would I have suspended all logic … believed that any of this was a good idea … and behaved in such a masochistic manner …
I kindly request that, in your future endeavors, you would refrain from preying on the weak and vulnerable – such like myself — by sticking to nail polish and other related products as a way to increase your profit margins …
Signed,
Still Recovering, Mommy of One
Oh boy! That sounds rough. I will try not to fall into that CVS trap myself.
BAHAHAHAHAHA….
Awww… that is priceless… thanks for the “Open Letter” and I will make sure to go to a professional that has..
*The guts that I will lack
*Pre-Vicodined
*tissues
Thanks for the info!
Nydia, cuando lei esto me rei por muchos dias……you are so funny……..I loved…….