Open Letter to the Baby Boy

My Dearest Baby Boy,

At the very thought of making you the next recipient of my “open letter” series, I instantly became overwhelmed with emotion. If this were being written on paper, it’d have all sorts of tear-drop stains all over it.

To say that you are the love of my life, would be the understatement heard around the world. You are the perfection I didn’t know existed. When I stare at your face, it’s not because I’m searching for something (as you have asked on occasion) but because I see so much that I can’t look away. I need time to take it all in and rejoice in the fact that if life were The Academy Awards, I have won the Oscar for Greatest Life Achievement.

For all the times I wish you walked around w/ subtitles, I wouldn’t want that childish banter to ever go away. I want to forever discuss SpongeBob episodes with you. I want you to never think there is anything wrong with a talking cartoon sponge. I want to find Stinky Bear as funny as you do and more importantly, I want you to never lose your sense of the fantastical and fantabulous. I want you to not care that “fantabulous” isn’t a real word and I want you to always look at me with that look … the look that says, “Thank God she’s here … I was sooo bored!”

You’re 4 y/o now and when I go to carry you, I have to put you down a few minutes later because you’re growing so fast and getting so big and this is always such a sad moment for me. Picking you up and carrying my baby is one of my favorite things to do … and for time to blatantly take away that right which was entrusted to me at your birth is too much for me to handle … So when you see me kicking a tree or spitting on dirt and pouting, it’s Mommy’s passive-aggressive way of telling the universe to go f**k itself that I’m not ready and it’s not being fair.

I promise to always carry you, even at the risk of developing a hernia; to hold your hand thru every moment of your life, be it big or small; to love you unconditionally; to always go back and look for Stinky Bear after you’ve mistakenly dropped him – even if we’ve just cleared 12 city blocks on a very hot summer day – and I’ll do it w/o any cursing; I promise to chase you around for as long as you want, even if Mommy’s lack of proper diet and exercise causes her to start wheezing and feel woozy; I promise to always make sure your needs and wants are met even if it means blowing my entire savings account on Teddy Grahams and Disney/Pixar DVD’s and, finally, I promise to always treat you like the royalty you are and keep you in the life you’ve become accustomed to – even if Mommy has to go on “play-dates” for money with strange men. Unfortunately for you, however, I also promise to scare away any unsavory little sluts young ladies that come looking for you when puberty hits … Universal law states you’re mine to keep forever … and things like that are to be dealt with at my discretion … I’m sure you’ll thank me later …

You may have my nose and my full lips, but from you I got my humor, creativity and overall humanity. Everything you do makes me laugh like crazy — although changing all the words of the Ni Hao Kai-lan theme song to “fart” is just wrong and I really should work on correcting you more on that …

I love you … to pieces … and much more than I can ever effectively describe in words …

Your #1 fan and devoted mommy,